The older we get, the more RSVPing is a thing. The better we get at hosting, the more insistent we get on knowing the number of people showing up to our house. I mean, how many fondue sets should Dana put out? Am I pre-ordering 3 or 4 pizzas for the Rupaul Drag Race finale?
Recently, we were RSVPing on a WhatsApp group to a gathering, and people were responding as couples. The Smiths. The Hassans. The newly married Salahs (mabrook!).
One of my single girlfriends made a joke about it, and all the other singles chimed in in support. “We’re coming too!” “Wanna be my plus one?” It was pretty cute to see. I think I’m pretty lucky to be part of a “mixed” group of friends - that is, made up of both singles and couples, men and women. It keeps things interesting for everyone, I think. But what about those socially isolated groups?
Do people feel they have to only hang out with other couples after they get married? And only have “girls” and “boys” nights otherwise?
Why does this mindset exist? The cynic in me thinks that everyone gets self-conscious once marriage starts to unite us, and, ironically, divide us. So, for single people, we don’t hang out with other couples because it makes us feel “behind.” I’ve had girlfriends confide in me, telling me about how they thought they’d be married by now. How they’re sad their friends are having babies without them. Basically, that hanging out with couples makes them feel depressed about not being “on track” in their personal lives. Another thing single people worry about is posing a threat to couples. My girlfriends and I have actually discussed tactics for dealing with jealous/possessive wives. I’ve heard guys talk about how their newly married guy friends don’t want to introduce their wives to them, and kind of just, disappear.
And in the case of couples, perhaps they too feel like they are out of sync when they compare themselves to their single friends. I’ve had a friend who just had her third baby sit me down and say, “ok, now tell me exciting things about the world out there. What adventure are you going on next?” She wants to know about movies that aren’t about animated cars and hear about disastrous first dates. This kind of curiosity and honesty is rare. Most “mommies” (and “daddies,” honestly) seem to feel deflated about being wholly dedicated to their kids (for now), and the self-involved presence of single people perhaps sharpens that feeling.
In both cases, having people around who can’t identify with your major gripes can be challenging. Yes, I need to bitch about how lonely it is to order or cook food for one person. Do I need you to feel the same? No.
Perhaps you think I don’t want to hear about how hard it is to share an apartment with someone who prefers to live at arctic temperatures. Honestly, if I care about you, I want to hear about what you’re going through. I think we could all learn a thing or two about compassionate listening, and it starts with putting yourself aside, making some time, and keeping friendships through thick and thin, matrimony and singledom.
