Being in lockdown has made me realize that stillness, like silence, is golden. This stillness, whilst it can be challenging and numbing (literally, my leg is falling asleep riiiight now) also has a way of unpacking the volumes we have packed within us.

It was much easier to repress dark thoughts and feelings when we lived with a frenetic rhythm, always doing something and going somewhere.

In the quiet stillness of the global pandemic, the monster under the bed has reared his head, and he’s a Frankenstein of childhood traumas, bittersweet memories, and that one stupid thing you said to your friend’s mom about her Australian accent when you were a teenager (it still haunts me! Along with a million other foot-in-mouth moments).

When having obsessive thoughts, it can help to interrupt them with mantras.

The mantra can be as simple as Be Here Now. It can be as complex as the Gayatri mantra. Personally, I find most comfort repeating the names of Allah. An ancient practice called Dhikr, repeating sacred words either silently or out loud has a hypnotizing affect, like rubbing your thumb over a smooth stone.

I had done a lot of work around forgiveness last year, using different meditations and healing techniques. One of them is the cord-cutting technique. I’ve also written letters to people and either sent, threw away, or burnt them. Some of the hardest work is forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself for losing your temper and saying things you don’t mean. For letting people treat you badly, for not making boundaries or speaking up.

No matter who you need to forgive, it can be really helpful to repeat the following following names of God. I learned about them from the book Physicians of the Heart: A Sufi View of the Ninety-Nine Names of Allah (yes, that’s the full PDF! You can learn more about the organization behind the book here)

Phase 1 and 2 of Forgiveness: Ya Ghaffar, Ya Ghaffoor

Invoking Alghaffar means forgiving people for unconscious mistakes — for micro-aggressions and transgressions such as cutting you off in traffic, stepping on your foot, or acting out of ignorance, for example saying things like “oh you’d look so much better if you dyed your gray hair.”

Alghaffoor is the name of Allah we repeat to help us forgive people for the BIG or ULTIMATE pain they cause us. Cheating, stealing, lying you know the drill. Ugh. The kind of thing that makes you clench your jaw when you remember it.

This pairing is super powerful — both these names of god share their etymology with “astaghfurallah” which means “god have mercy.”

It really helps me to think of the root of the word — ghaffar refers to the sticky substance that bees use to repair their hives, which is also used to repair leaky water skins in the desert. When you replace anger with forgiveness, you moisturize your heart with a healing balm.

Phase 3 of Forgiveness: Ya Tawwab

The truth is, if you can’t forgive someone then you are not surrendering to god’s plan. All the pain that you experience is:

a) created by your mind to some extent (and your attachment to the pain body)
b) part of your growth journey

So instead of turning to the past and obsessing over how you were hurt, you can turn your heart up to the heavens. I do this literally: in the shower I look up at the water to try and cleanse my heart of bitterness, with loving intentions. I thank god for bringing me to this situation to help me grow, and let the universe know that I trust that it is giving me these situations to get me to somewhere that is in better alignment with my higher good.

It doesn’t always work. Sometimes I have to massage my heart, sometimes I have to go back to repeating Ya Ghaffar, Ya Ghafoor. Be patient and committed to freeing yourself of bitterness. The root of the word “tawwab” simultaneously means to turn from something and go toward something else.

Make the conscious choice of turning away from obsessive thoughts or insidious anger. Turn your face towards the sun, the skies, the divine.

Phase 4 of Forgiveness: Ya ‘Afuw

Imagine being so deeply at peace that you can’t be offended. That you see people being assholes and you see it as just that — their own problem, and not yours. Repeating Ya ‘Afuw is meant to calibrate you to the vibration of eternal forgiveness. According to the Physicians of the Heart, Al’afuw means to “completely forgive, with no trace of the even subtly retained…[like]wind blowing across the desert vastness and completely erasing all the tracks in the sand.”

It’s completely normal to go through all phases of forgiveness but find yourself a year or two later back where you started. Forgiveness takes vigilance. It doesn’t mean you failed, it just means to recharge yourself with this powerful practice.

Remember, self-forgiveness is the most difficult of all. Sometimes the most important thing we can do is forgive ourselves for letting ourselves get hurt in the first place. And to move forward with grace, and hopefully, new boundaries.

Happy forgiving!

The older we get, the more RSVPing is a thing. The better we get at hosting, the more insistent we get on knowing the number of people showing up to our house. I mean, how many fondue sets should Dana put out? Am I pre-ordering 3 or 4 pizzas for the Rupaul Drag Race finale?

Recently, we were RSVPing on a WhatsApp group to a gathering, and people were responding as couples. The Smiths. The Hassans. The newly married Salahs (mabrook!).

Winai Namwong Making Art Project / Mr.fail : Cartoon for Inter-Human Relationship " You will not be lonely anymore because we are lonely together "

One of my single girlfriends made a joke about it, and all the other singles chimed in in support. “We’re coming too!” “Wanna be my plus one?” It was pretty cute to see. I think I’m pretty lucky to be part of a “mixed” group of friends - that is, made up of both singles and couples, men and women. It keeps things interesting for everyone, I think. But what about those socially isolated groups?

Do people feel they have to only hang out with other couples after they get married? And only have “girls” and “boys” nights otherwise?

Why does this mindset exist? The cynic in me thinks that everyone gets self-conscious once marriage starts to unite us, and, ironically, divide us. So, for single people, we don’t hang out with other couples because it makes us feel “behind.” I’ve had girlfriends confide in me, telling me about how they thought they’d be married by now. How they’re sad their friends are having babies without them. Basically, that hanging out with couples makes them feel depressed about not being “on track” in their personal lives. Another thing single people worry about is posing a threat to couples. My girlfriends and I have actually discussed tactics for dealing with jealous/possessive wives. I’ve heard guys talk about how their newly married guy friends don’t want to introduce their wives to them, and kind of just, disappear.

And in the case of couples, perhaps they too feel like they are out of sync when they compare themselves to their single friends. I’ve had a friend who just had her third baby sit me down and say, “ok, now tell me exciting things about the world out there. What adventure are you going on next?” She wants to know about movies that aren’t about animated cars and hear about disastrous first dates. This kind of curiosity and honesty is rare. Most “mommies” (and “daddies,” honestly) seem to feel deflated about being wholly dedicated to their kids (for now), and the self-involved presence of single people perhaps sharpens that feeling.

In both cases, having people around who can’t identify with your major gripes can be challenging. Yes, I need to bitch about how lonely it is to order or cook food for one person. Do I need you to feel the same? No.

Discover & share this Lauv GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.

Perhaps you think I don’t want to hear about how hard it is to share an apartment with someone who prefers to live at arctic temperatures. Honestly, if I care about you, I want to hear about what you’re going through. I think we could all learn a thing or two about compassionate listening, and it starts with putting yourself aside, making some time, and keeping friendships through thick and thin, matrimony and singledom.